Ancestral Anchors

Family members gathered in London c. 1977

With the start of Black History Month, I thought it would be good to share some of the things that make me who I am as a Black woman in the UK.

I was born in London to Ghanaian parents in the 1970s. They came over in the early 70s with a strong desire to make a better life, and they worked hard and, in my early years, played hard too! I remember lots of family parties where the adults had fun and forgot, for a while, about the struggles that came with being immigrants in the UK in the 1970s much of which, unfortunately, is coming back today.

The village and community my parents and family had left behind was something they strongly cultivated as I was growing up. I always had a multitude of aunties and uncles, blood and not, ready to give me their opinions and advice. Sometimes welcome, often not, particularly in my teens and 20s! There's a lot I can thank them for, much of that advice, whether I took it at the time or not, has stood me in good stead.

So, in honour of Black History Month, here are some of my personal favourite ancestral anchors, which have helped me personally and professionally, and which I hope can help you too. They were mostly delivered with a kiss of the teeth, an earnest look and a lowered voice, or a combination of all three. You always knew a gem was coming when uncle or auntie started with "I need to talk to you."

Here goes…

Face your front. Comparison is the thief of joy, and that is definitely true. I was always reminded to focus on my own life rather than judging it by how well things seemed to be going for everyone else. In a world of comparison, it's easy to feel like someone else is always doing better. But when you face your front, you learn to define success on your own terms and focus on what actually matters to you.

God is in control. There is a plan for your life, and there is comfort and joy to be found in prayer and in connecting with God no matter what you're going through. That has carried me through even my most difficult seasons.

Show me your friend and I'll show you your character. This was a controversial one for me in my youth, when I had some questionable friends! If I'm honest, I always questioned it because I felt I knew how to make good choices. But as life has gone on, I've realised it's true: you become the sum of the people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely. The elders always had thoughts on friendship!

A friend to everyone is a friend to no one. Being close to everyone can mean you're pretending or playing both sides. I know many of us have good hearts and want everyone to be happy with and around us, but the more you try to please everyone, the less you please yourself. You can be friendly with all, greeting everyone and treating everyone respectfully, without being friends with all. True friendship takes time and trust, and none of us has time for everyone or can trust everyone. Be selective!

Cut your cloth according to your coat. Live within your means and work steadily towards what you want. We were always taught not to borrow or spend what we didn't have. This truly stemmed from coming to this country with nothing and building from the ground up. The advice was always to build solidly and invest wisely.

Home is not just somewhere we live; it's somewhere we belong. Your home is your sanctuary and your safe space, so work hard to create one that nobody can take away from you. Make it a place you truly want to come back to. And keep it clean and tidy!

Education can feel bitter, but the results are sweet. Alongside that came, "A millionaire can lose his millions overnight, but once it's in your head, no one can take it away from you." I was always encouraged to broaden my mind and gain knowledge, because no matter what, that would always be mine to keep.

The person who talks to you about others will talk to others about you. If you can't say it to their face, don't say it at all. If someone feels comfortable talking about others in front of you, they'll be just as comfortable talking about you behind your back.

It takes a village to raise a child. Uncles and aunties will tell you off! It made me think carefully about how I conducted myself. There was always someone to turn to when things went wrong, even if I felt I couldn’t immediately turn to my parents. Having those extended relationships and bonds is a true gift for a child growing up.

Love and belonging. "When you look at the forest from outside it can feel dense, but inside, we are all like trees that have a place." We are strong together, and there is always a place for us in our community.

Looking back, I can see that every one of these was a small act of love, they're part of who I am, and I carry them with me every day.

If any of these landed for you, take them with you into the month ahead. I'd love to know: what wisdom were you handed down by your elders? Whether it came from family, community or people who felt like family, let me know.